Category Archives: Battling

I Don’t Want to Be Married to This Person Anymore

January 25, 2010
(I got the year wrong in the picture)

Father.

I just found a recent writing of [my husband’s] that was extra descriptive of a sexy girl – maybe it didn’t have to elude to anything other than describing another woman just to sell clothing but it HURTS SO MUCH.   MY HUSBAND who CHEATED on ME STILL THINKS ENOUGH ABOUT OTHER WOMEN to FREELY WRITE (about) THEM EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS ME, EVEN IF IT’S “NOTHING”.  I CAN’T DO THIS, GOD.  I CAN’T.

I told him to move out.

Without MISSING A BEAT, he said, “Ok.”

Lord, I just feel nothing.  No emotion, nothing.  I am so tired.  I want someone better.  I want to live.  I don’t want the daily pain of a noncommital, cheating husband.  I want to be done.  I am done.  And I know, deep down, he’s done, too.  He won’t change.  I do not matter enough to him for him to stop hurting me.  I will not tolerate it.

January 26, 2010

I’m at the end of my rope, and so is he.  Last night didn’t go so well.  He was gone all day with a photographer, scouting locations for a shoot.  It most certainly didn’t help when [my mother-in-law] came over in the midst of me being angry.  She was “checking in on me”, seeing how I was doing. I showed her the article he had written, and, again, it didn’t faze her.  I tried to explain why it upset me so much, until, finally, I erupted.

“Your son is a piece of shit!”  It felt so good to say that.

She edged forward on the couch across from me, and her eyes narrowed.
“Don’t you dare talk about my son that way.”  Her voice was cold.

“Don’t you dare come over here, uninvited, and pretend to know how I’m feeling.”  My voice got louder.  “I can say whatever I want to about my husband because he’s my husband.  I know him better than you do.”

I could feel the adrenaline pulsating through my veins as I got even more angry with her.  [My husband] finally came home, with blood on his white T-shirt.  He just stood back and observed the madness.  I threw his article at him, and told [my mother-in-law] to LEAVE MY HOUSE.  I yelled and cussed at her – obviously not good behavior – but I just can’t take her or [my father-in-law] anymore.  Leave me alone!  Things escalated and got even uglier, when she grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me up against the wall.

I did not touch her.  I moved forward, off the wall, using the threat of my body weight to make her back away.

I opened the door.  “Get out.”

She tried to slam it on me and then left, screaming, “You’re making the biggest mistake of your life!”  — and — “I’m DONE with you!”
GOOD.  BUTT OUT AND STAY OUT.

Oh, Lord, I just can’t do any of this very well.
Am I proud that I lost it and cursed at his mother?  No.
Am I right by throwing papers and his infidelity at him over and over again?  No.
Does it solve anything?  No.
Do I feel worse?  Yes.

IT MAKES ME RAGING ANGRY to think about the way he stood and watched his mother physically assault me, and then take her side.   Did she apologize to me?  Nope. I was the one who apologized to her.  My therapist AND marriage counselor asked, “WHY?”  Ha, ha.  Touche.

I can’t talk to him about it, because he will forever and always defend her – she is his mother — and whatever fucked up Oedipus complex he has with her.  The truth is that his parents are way too overinvolved. EVERYONE can see it, even the neighbors.  I can’t even talk to him about it because he matches my catastrophizing with statements such as, “I’m sick of you.”

I give it to You, God.  I give You my anger.  I am extremely angry with his parents, maybe even more so than him at this point.  I need to forgive them for the hurt they have caused me for years.  I have felt “unworthy” of them and their love for years, unworthy of their “golden, summer son” who STILL can do no wrong in their eyes.  The point is to not get angry with them, it is to accept it and move forward.

From this day forward my relationship with my in-laws must change.  That is true and necessary.  I cannot change them but I can change with Your help, Lord, and I pray that You would release me from my anger towards them.

God, forgive me.  I am ashamed at how I behaved last night, yelling and screaming.  It does no good.

I am to accept that my husband will always write about women.  He will always look at them, think about them, etc.  I thought for the first 9.2 years of our marriage that he didn’t do that.  I was wrong.  I thought he would always be faithful and always love me.  I was wrong.

I hate who I have become: the jealous, miserable, insecure wife who will never be as exciting as the lover.  I will never be as exciting as the story or the description that he writes.

While watching the rerun of the Golden Globes, one writer won Best Screenplay for “Up in the Air”.  He dedicated his win to his wife and said that, when asked how he wrote women so well, he used his wife as his inspiration.  She was his everything.  She inspired him.

My husband shakes his head, and peers at me through those identical blue eyes that his mother possesses and says, “You don’t want to understand.”

I truly do not know if we will make it. After dealing with the incident with my mother-in-law, I just want AWAY from these psychotic, fundamentalist, judging, enabling and hyper-involved people whom I can never please.  Even if I’m doing something right in their eyes, it is a temporary good.  I will never be good enough for their salty, tall and tan, blonde baby boy.  BARF.

Clearly I could go on and on but I am getting worked up again and I want today to NOT begin with anger and malice, and a cold heart.  I can’t do it any longer.

He is actually 100% right about me wanting things to be “fixed” my way.  I release that burden to you, Lord.  I can’t deal with it.  And it isn’t about MY way, it’s about YOUR way.  It will only be good and right when done YOUR way and in YOUR timing.  Not his nine months, not my “today”.

YOUR WILL BE DONE.

God, I earnestly pray for Your guidance in pursuing a separation.  This situation doesn’t work and I want to not be so crazy.  Everything has changed and I’m desperately grasping at whatever I think or thought was left of the old _______ and Leslie.  They were naïve and happy.

My heart is so heavy.  I’m shutting up now.  Help, God.  Please, please help me.  I am so lost and confused.

Please, Lord, fill me.  Be the love that I so desperately need, that my husband cannot give.  Lord, You are all I need.  I have to believe that, and trust it, even when I seek human love and approval.  Oh, Lord, I am such a fool.

January 27, 2010

Lord, I know I need to calm down.  He makes me so angry.  He criticizes me for “my rotten behavior”, yet he sits on that stupid couch all day long, doesn’t do the dishes, doesn’t deal with life.  He sits back and criticizes.  He hurts purposefully.

I DON’T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO THIS PERSON ANYMORE.

I can leave and maybe I will.  He broke the marriage.  Oh, and it’s my “rotten attitude” that is keeping it from being “fun”.  NO, it’s the fact that he is a LAZY person.

Ugh, I am overreacting.  I am impatient.  He makes me so angry; his whole “deal”. It’s nauseating.  He doesn’t want to “deal” with anything.

I want out I want out I want out

I WANT OUT!!

The Prodigal Wife

Tour ended, we both came home, and immediately started fighting.

The road had been good to me, and I wanted to stay out on it.  I didn’t want to be responsible for another human being, I just wanted to continue to travel, make money, and live out of a suitcase.  I wanted to escape the pain, and being at home meant facing unemployment and a marriage that was just being held together by a piece of lint.

The New Year arrived, and I half-expected a miracle – something to ignite my husband’s desire for me again, in every capacity.   I also thought I’d magically become a “better person” – more trusting, less angry.  Less hurt.

Not so much.

I was tired of having a hard time.  I was tired of being tired of having a hard time.  I figured I was just expecting too much or trying too hard on my own.

I needed help.  I turned to God daily and poured out my heart.

I don’t want to let anger rule me anymore.  I want to forgive and trust so much.  I [also] don’t want to excuse anything.  I want my husband to become a good man…a man after You and Your will.  I want to be a woman who always seeks You…Lord, help me look beyond the painful past and rocky present.

…my patience is tested to its limit.  Obviously there is nothing I can do to change him.  Obviously me talking, feeling and seeking advice and counsel does nothing when HE isn’t doing the same.  He is not meeting me even remotely halfway and it is frustrating, sad and disheartening.  Add on top of it a completely broken heart – the only time I feel loved is when we have sex, but that is just so messed up because he is sick, sick, sick – especially sexually.

I balk at everything.  I feel like his love and affection for me is performance-based, not unconditional.  If I behave and don’t get mad or call him names, he will love me more – or remember why he loved me in the first place…WHY does he not hug me? Why do I have to ask him, prompt him and then demonstrate how it’s done?  HOW can he just walk past me, sit and stare at me when I’m crying and do NOTHING?  Whereas I totally understand my anger does not help, why does he think our marriage will be “fixed” if we never talk?  All he does is write.

It was true.  He wrote constantly.  He was attempting to become the greatest writer his chosen industry had ever seen, except that the industry wasn’t known for its writers.  In fact, it never was, and I highly doubt it ever will be.  Blame it on stereotype, if you will. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Nevertheless, in an effort to support my husband and his dreams, I read his over-sexualized, egotistical stories.  Every single one of them upset me.  One of his articles was (as I interpreted) a how-to guide on picking up women.  As I read the descriptive account, it occurred to me that he had quite the experience under his belt.  Things got ugly, as I reacted out of frustration and deep hurt.  He wouldn’t apologize, because he didn’t think it was wrong.  Quite the contrary: he was attempting to communicate that picking up on women for the sole purpose of sex would lead to death.  He was upset with me for reacting, icing him out, leaving, and then having the audacity to text him about how he had hurt me.  It wasn’t fair to him.

And so, the destructive cycle continued.  I would end up apologizing for becoming upset and angry, and he would continue to do things that upset and angered me.  In retrospect, it is amazing how my husband was able to manipulate situations in his favor.  He had a house, a warm bed and a wife who still loved him and was desperate to save their marriage.  Furthermore, she worked, paid the bills, fed him, bought him beer, gave him blowjobs and slept with him – all while he exerted minimal effort.

He had his cake, and could eat it, too.

Needless to say, I became increasingly frustrated with his priorities.
Conversations with him are still along the lines of career and “pushing each other to be great”, etc.  I often wonder if that is just a male versus female thing – men feel emasculated if women are more successful, or men only feel defined by what they do instead of who they are.

One day, in yet another 120-minute marriage counseling session, my husband dropped the bomb that he needed some more time to figure out his career direction.  If his writing career didn’t explode into a raging success in nine months, he would give it all up and go back to teaching.

My diplomatic, gentle and patient marriage counselor was able to get me to agree to this idea.  I was to become “The Prodigal Wife”. 

Again, I turned to God.

I don’t know exactly what that entails.  Nine months of traveling?  Nine months of focusing solely on writing? I believe with all my heart that it is Your will for me to stay married to him.  What scares me about that is the patience that I must have.

God, what can I do besides trust You?  Lord, how do I best support him without being a doormat?  How do I encourage and uplift while staying grounded and wise?  God, the task feels daunting. I want to be cared for and not have to worry.  I want to be cherished and loved, admired, desired and respected by my husband.  I feel none of the above.

I am one with this person and I have never felt more alone.

My hope is YOU.