When I impulsively started writing this blog on Tuesday, I shared some of my personal journal entries with a few close friends. My dear friend Renee asked me if I had been crying as I published the beginnings of my journey. She emphasized that it was okay.
“You’re letting it out, you’re letting it go. You’re being healed, “ she lovingly wrote.
I was ecstatic to answer, “I’m not crying, but excited! I had to start somewhere!”
I have cried more than I ever thought was possible over the past two years.
Fuck crying. I’m sick of it.
And then, today, I cried. Sobbed. I haven’t cried in months.
I was driving back from Santa Monica, where I had just attended my “Wife’s” amazing lecture on Ornament and Crime (she is the most brilliant architect, friend and person I know). I was overcome with amazement at the people God has placed in my life. I marveled at the loyalty and longevity of my childhood best friend, Joy; I thought of the overwhelming love and support I daily receive from my close circle of friends and family – people who have walked my journey with me, and continue to do so. I really have no reason to ever be lonely or sad, because I have these incredible people, and I have Jesus.
But I don’t have a man in my life. The last relationship I experienced was my marriage. I feel like a freak.
I am a woman in her 30’s (HELLO, SEX DRIVE!). I want to feel butterflies. I want to be kissed. I want romance. I want to have sex all the time; every day. I want to get excited about seeing someone. I want to fall in love, get married, and have babies. I also just threw up in my mouth a little, typing all that. But these are desires of my heart. I have waited, ever so patiently, and nothing has happened.
It is so hard to get a date, and is so hard to keep a guy interested. I’m not good at playing the “game”. If I like a guy, I tell him. I guess I’m not supposed to do that. And, if I really like him, he usually doesn’t like me back. It is just downright hard to be single. It hurts. It sucks. It happens.
I am laughing at myself. My lament is a typical episode of Sex and the City. Or maybe I’m back in junior high?
Nevertheless, as I compose this impulsive free-write, I realize that I will probably never have all the answers. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I’m single. I’m divorced. I’m human. God loves me. I’m still figuring it all out. I’ve come a long way, but sometimes I think I must still have a long way to go. Yet I still have human desires and needs and wishes. I am not incapable of relationship, just because I have experienced a traumatic breakup.
For crying out loud, I’ve spent thousands of dollars for two years’ worth of weekly therapy. I’m practically at the point where I’m shrinking my therapist. I think she wonders what the hell I’m doing, continuing to visit her every week. She must get a kick out of hanging out with me. I’m fun. And I pay her. Ha!
I have so much to give. I am willing to give my whole heart, all over again. I’m ready. I’m sick of waiting. I’m impatient. But I’ll continue to live my life.
And, as always, someone inevitably clucks, “It’s a process,” or “It’s a long road,” or “Maybe you’re just not ready yet.”
I want to chirp right back, “What the fuck do you know?”
I hope my story has a happy ending in the relationship department, I really do. I have actually been happy thus far being single, but there are times when I want to scream and hit things and blow up happy couples and cynically remark that I don’t believe in love or marriage anymore. Love Stinks. Love is a Battlefield. You Oughta Know.
Back to the point:
I was feeling sorry for my single, unsexed self as I curved along the 110 freeway back home to my studio apartment. I shifted gears, and my 2007 Toyota Corolla’s 6-disc standard stereo system shifted CD’s. Steven Curtis Chapman’s familiar voice rang out. I chuckled at how uncool I was for indulging SCC. But the truth pierced through, in his soaring voice and lyrics:
This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be,
But this is how it is –
And our God is in control.
This is not how it will be,
When we finally will see –
We’ll see with our own eyes,
He was always in control.
This is not where we planned to be,
When we started this journey —
But this is where we are,
And our God is in control.
I have been ready in so many ways to share my journey, my pain, my healing, joy and even my struggles. It is exciting, because it truly is my hope that it is helpful to someone – even just one person. I am being transformed and it’s beautiful, even when I throw lame tantrums.
As my tears dry on yet another Saturday laundry night, I am comforted and blessed knowing that, indeed, God is in control.
Wow!!! I feel like I am reading my own life story. Our situations are eerily similar as well as our thoughts. Thank you for being so transparent!! Here I am today throwing a major pity party and I Google search christian woman guide to divorce and your blog pops up! Praise God…He is definitely in control. I just have to trust in his promises. But like you I’m impatient and being single sucks sometimes lol.
Stay blessed and encouraged<3
Not only can I relate (32 with 3 kids separated for 1 yr 9 months divorced for 9 months)…it excites me for the story I will be telling…kudos to your realness…the realness I was concerned would be too much in my own story (25 pages and counting)
Thank you for writing. My girlfriend’s ex-husband left her a couple of years ago. I had a hard time picturing the pain she has been through, but this helped me see a little bit of what she felt and how insensitive i’ve been to these wounds.
Thank you for reading, Eric. Thank you for caring enough about your girlfriend to try to understand. You are a good man.
As someone has strove (too hard) to be a “good Christian girl” for so many years (pastor’s daughter – now pastor’s wife), your total vulnerability in this blog is SO refreshing. AND you have a beautiful gift for writing. I can’t wait to keep reading. (P.S. Found you through reading Chelsea Batten’s article in the “Converge” magazine.)
Thank you for reading, Sara! Here’s to ending the strife and embracing grace. Glad you found me through “Converge”! 🙂
How we all at times can ware the same shoes……….xo
Leslie, My beautiful girl…..Bets sent me the 39 chapters of A Christian Girls Guide To Divorce and I have read the first three chapters. Bravo to you for sharing all your feelings so openly…..God is truly using you to help other young women going through the same betrayal and heart ache. I am so proud of you and your writing is wonderful. Know that you are in my prayers and anytime you need one more soldier in Christ to back you,
I am here. Carlotta
Renee, you are an inspiration.
Kelly, I adore you. And thank you for saying “fuck” three times.
Melanie! Welcome! I am SO sorry that you went through this kind of pain, and with six children. I cannot imagine it. Bless you, my new friend!
Thank you for sharing!!!!!I love Jesus but throughout my seperation (9 months) heading to divorce, I have never cussed so much in my life!!! It is SO refreshing to read someone else’s experience with the emotions of being betrayed by the man they love.
I am 33 with 6 children, married for 13 years when my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore. So, I laughed so hard when I read about being in your thirties and having that thirties sex drive!!!!!!! Hormones are definetly a problem when single!!!Ha, ha!!
Thank yo for being real!
Two thoughts. No, three.
1.) As a therapist now, i enjoy those clients who I have the opportunity to work with long-term. It’s rewarding to be able to walk along-side someone in the darkness AND in the light(er) times. And often, it is when you wonder if you should still go that you have the energy, clarity and insight to delve into things that you may previously have not had the energy/clarity/insight to get into.
2.) Don’t you love/hate when God sends you a song that perfectly fits what you most needed in that moment? Love because it reminds you that God is always there, he sees, he knows. And hate because maybe we (ok, me, I) forget that He IS THERE, and I so often fail to turn to him.
3.) Fuck crying. Fuck the lack of sex. Fuck singleness.
I hear you, Leslie.
I love this. Your ramblings make for good writing.