YOU Have My Heart

Within a few days, I had found a tenant for my house.

It was, in Christian-ese terms, what we call “a God thing”.  A kind, energetic, older woman was driving through my neighborhood to look at a short sale up the street.  She saw the “FOR LEASE” sign in my front yard, and knocked on my door.

I showed her the house, myself.  She walked through it in 15 minutes, loved it, and wanted it.  Being a Master Gardener, she was excited to take care of the massive yard, complete with overgrown, indigenous plants.  In addition, she didn’t mind that I wasn’t including the garage or basement (aka “The Man House”).  She was also interested in a six-month lease, rather than the typical year.  That would give me enough time to get on my feet financially, so that I could move back in — soon — with a fresh perspective.  I was determined to keep my house.  Furthermore, I told her that my dog and outdoor cat would stay, but the neighbors would take care of them.

(Have I mentioned how amazing my neighbors are?)

She agreed, and said she was looking to move in by April 15th.

Holy shit, God.  This is exactly for what I have prayed. You are so good.  Sorry for saying “shit”, but…HOLY SHIT!

Things were moving so fast.

I sent yet another informative and “non-reactionary” email to my husband regarding the prospective tenant, and then called upon my trusted friends – my amazing support system —  to pray that he would sign the lease agreement.  I couldn’t trust him to even respond to my email, much less be responsible about our home and finances.

March 30, 2010

Deuteronomy 33:27 ~ The eternal God is your refuge…

Lord, I trust You.  I confess my fear and anxiety – moving out in 16 days? No response from [my husband], which just isn’t surprising at all, but I need his signature to go through with the process.  God, it is too easy to worry, so I simply give it to You…

The pain of my failed marriage is still very real, but it no longer holds the power over me that it once did.  Thank You, God.  I am so sad for [my husband] and his choices.  I trust that the still, small voice that is encouraging me to move forward is YOU…I know dark days are still ahead but I TRUST YOU.  Guide me, help me.  I know nothing is beyond You.

Later that day, I paid a visit to my marriage counselor.   He was aware of our situation, and actually encouraged me to file for divorce.  He said that it looked like I had “the green light” from all sides. My friends, family and neighbors were 100% supportive of me divorcing my absent husband.

Before I left, my counselor told me that he wished my husband and I could have had one final meeting, so that we could end our marriage face-to-face.  I wished that, too, but, deep down, I knew it would never happen.  My husband had left me.  It was over.  I had to move on.

March 31, 2010

Lord,

I crave Your Presence and Peace.  I confess my anxious thoughts, my feelings of being overwhelmed.  The fear of the unknown; the fear creeps back in: losing the house and having to take on my husband’s debt.  But Father, I know You care for me, You have been taking care of me and guiding me this whole time.  I pray for this next big step – moving.  It is overwhelming and happening so fast.  And then, the “BIG D”.  I have NO reason or desire to stay married to him…God, SPARE me the repercussions of his actions.  I know there is no fear in You.  Yet the overwhelming sense of self-protection is there.

GUIDE me, God.  Each minute, each hour, each day is crucial.

I want to be beautiful and whole again; I want to be loved and honored, not discarded and abandoned.  Oh, Lord, You have taken me thus far; I trust You even though I cannot see.  Give me courage and strength.

LATER…

The house is leased.  He signed.  Said he knows I’m right about the house (even though he wants me to sell), but trusts what I think/say about it.  He then asked me where I will move.  It hurts.  And now I must pack and move.  He doesn’t even care.

God, You have my heart.  YOU.

I AM EXCITED ABOUT THE FUTURE!  I am in YOUR hands!

3 thoughts on “YOU Have My Heart

  1. Lise Smith says:

    Thank you so much for your story. Mine came home from several months of military duty in the same frame of mind. Thankfully no adultery, but still having “checked out” of the relationship. Prayerfully moving forward. He hasn’t given me any other choice.
    You can’t fight for something alone.
    THANK YOU for having the guts to be brutally honest about where you’ve been, and where you are.
    It is good to know I’m not alone in feeling abandoned, betrayed and discarded.
    It is good to know that with God’s grace, mercy and promise never to leave or forsake us, that there is hope for the future.

  2. Sophi Gilliland says:

    closing a door is so hard.

Your Thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: