Stamp.

April 2, 2010 ~  Good Friday

I Corinthians 4:16-18 ~ Therefore, we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Father.

It is a beautiful morning.  Quiet and crisp.  The birds are singing. Wimbley is with me, atop this deck.  He’s on the lookout.  This week has been the biggest of my life: leasing the house and letting go of my husband.

Lord, I do not know what you have for me, but I’m willing to go.  I am focusing on You.  May my heart be seen by You.  I love my husband, I do.  Yet I love myself and I know he is not right for me like this.  This is not the husband that loved me, or You.

Oh, these times I have cherished in my own backyard.  Moments with You – all moments with You.  On my knees, on my face; sobbing, hurting, pleading, wondering – and now (I sit) before You and feel peace.

I lift my husband up to You.  God, he needs you desperately, as I do.  Jesus, as You said on the cross so long ago – “into Your hands I commit my spirit,” and – “It is finished”.

I am so tired.  I know more work is ahead of me.  But may I remember this Peace – Lord, I am anxious but I trust You.  I trust that this is the right thing to do.

Ten years, five months and three days.

I trust You.  Lead me!

April 3, 2010

This is the first day of my new life!

I filed for divorce yesterday.   Tried to file at the Pasadena courthouse but was told that I had to go downtown.  Shaking.  Andrea accompanied me and we passed by the Disney Concert Hall; tall, beautiful buildings downtown.  Entered the courthouse and went up the escalator.  Brief feeling of good memories with him on the escalator.  How we used to kiss and hug whilst riding on one.  Wave of sadness.  Up to the 4th floor.  Line looked long but it didn’t take but two minutes.  This is what people do, everyday.  They get divorced.  They stand in line to get divorced.

Wrote check for my court fee.

“Memo…memo…thanks for 10 years?  Thanks for cheating on me?  Abandoning me?  I still love you?”

No…memo was, “GOOD FRIDAY”.

White out, caked and crumbly.  Must fill out “Central District” instead of “Northeast”.  Shaking.  Andrea helps fill in “111 N. Hill Street”.  Court address.

Sounds that will haunt me forever: the sound of stamping.

STAMP.

Frantically fixing court address on all copies.

STAMP.

The clerk’s calm voice: “This is complete”.

STAMP.

Writing faster.  Head spinning.  Weak knees.

STAMP.

“This is complete.”

I hand him the last paper.

STAMP.

“You’re all done, Leslie.”  Clerk is calm, almost sympathetic.

My head hits the counter and I start to sob.  Andrea grabs my folder and helps me out the door.  We are both crying.  I can’t breathe; I can’t find the door.  I can barely walk.  I am wearing a black dress and black Stuart Weitzman heels.  (Husband would love the detail.)

I calm down as I get outside – see the Concert Hall before me.

I text all my friends as we walk to the car.  “10:32 a.m.  I filed for divorce.”

And we “celebrate”, but it is a mixture of drunkenness (sadness), excitement for the future, and exhaustion.

Went home, took a nap.  Joy came up from Orange County to stay with me…we drove to Long Beach so I could sing at church.

It is, after all, Good Friday, the day that You died for me. The day that I attribute the death of all sin, and the death of my marriage — only now it is committed into Your hands.  Only You can resurrect and redeem. Maybe not the marriage or my husband, but me.  You can redeem ME.

Good Friday service I could barely hold my head up to sing, but You gave me strength.

How high, how wide!
No matter where I am,
Healing is in Your hands.
How deep!  How strong!
Now by your grace, I stand –
Healing is in Your hands.

Oh, God, in You I am, indeed, complete.

9 thoughts on “Stamp.

  1. Fran says:

    Please pray for me… I am thinking of getting a divorce. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to pull the trigger, maybe because we have 3 lovely girls … I don’t know how it will affect them. Please pray for me…

  2. Donna says:

    Did you ever asked God if He was going to restored your marriage? If you did, what do you think He answered?

  3. Ally says:

    Ironically, my divorce finalized this year on Good Friday. Talk about parallels.

  4. enjay says:

    I love the first picture in this blog. I can’t tell you how many times I would sit on my back patio, at sundown, just letting the warmth of the sun warm my soul. I remember thinking how my ex-husband could break his promise to love me forever, and tear our family apart, and put us all through the hell of divorce, but he could never take away the happiness I felt of feeling that warm sunshine on summer evenings.

  5. Kitty says:

    Fu*k. Escalators. Me, too. This was a tough one.

  6. Sophi Gilliland says:

    Thanks for sharing it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am so proud of you!

  7. Melanie says:

    Leslie, thank you again for sharing your life. As I walk through my divorce, my story is different but the pain you write about resonates to my very soul. As I read, it gives me comfort to know that someone understands the deep well I find myself in.
    I went to court a week ago and I still sometimes feel like “is this really happening?”
    The part about escalators made me cry. There are just so many memories……

    Thank you.

    • Melanie –
      Bless you. I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Yes, memories. All of those memories that you have — hold onto the good ones!!

      There is hope! It will get easier. Even the trips to the courthouse. Hang in there. I’ll be praying for you!

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