Friday, April 15, 2011
One year ago I was moving out of my house. One year ago I knew my marriage was over. An entire year.
So much has happened since. I am so thankful.
Should I go to Minnesota? And France?
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Oh, Lord. What a glorious day. Such beauty! I am so thankful to be alive, to have my health; to have such amazing people in my life. Most of all, I have You.
Andrea and I are going to France in ONE MONTH! I bought our tickets last night. I am a bit scared, but why? Scared of things I cannot control…? I am not in control. It’s not up to me and it never was. That is freeing. I guess I’m scared of being stopped at the border – knowing my fingerprints are in the system as a “criminal”.
A new season begins in my life. The tax job is over. I do not want to be wasteful with my savings but I am so excited to go to Paris.
To see, to live, to LOVE life. Oh, Lord, what a gift!
2 Cor. 5:7 – “We live by faith, not by sight.”
Thank You for getting me through tax season with the ability to drive. Thank You for helping me through the emotion and pain of dealing with X. Thank You that he sent (part of) the money. Thank You for the doors You will open up for me – even now.
PARIS! I am so excited. Adventure!
Oh, may I learn and see and capture everything in this new, blessed life of mine.
Monday, April 18, 2011
I’m going to PARIS.
So, I might go to Minnesota to visit friends; to be there for love and support. I want to be free from license suspension and all that crap.
Why am I so afraid? NO FEAR! Lord, I need You; I need a break from myself and craziness and dating and worrying.
I need to get OUT of here.
Tuesday, April 21, 2011
Oh, Lord, what freedom there is in recognizing YOU and YOUR power and glory; YOUR control over the world; my circumstances; everything.
Father, I GIVE THIS DUI TO YOU. I GIVE OVER my fears, my worries, and I KNOW You have already worked it out for good. For my good. I am not entitled.
Perhaps You are calling me to a simpler life. I want to follow You, no matter what. I NEED You; I NEED help.
I pray for peace as I travel to Minnesota. I am disappointed that there is no Christmas tour this year. Father, I need work. I need a job to support myself. I am worried that a court conviction will affect my ability to be employed in the future. I cannot worry about that. I CANNOT CONTROL ANY OF IT!
These are such hard lessons to be learning. Humbling. Lord, take my life and let it be, always, only, ever to Thee. God, I give You my yearning for love from a man. I give You my longing for children. I give You my longing for a career.
I have no idea what You are calling me to, but I want to be used by You.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thank You for this day! YOU ARE RISEN! Resurrected from the dead! You have called me out of the shadows; out of the darkness into LIGHT. I am YOURS. I am YOURS.
I can’t do this on my own, Lord. Any of it. I need You so very badly. Thank You for accepting me just as I am, with all my ugliness and sin.
DUI or not – it doesn’t matter. I am a sinner. I am not able to do this life on my own. Thank You for this time in my life, Lord, where I am facing hard truths and making idiot mistakes. Yet You still love me – You don’t judge me at all.
May I extend that grace to myself!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
As my court date looms in on me, I am starting to get scared. I know I’ll be guilty. But, Lord, would You show mercy? I know You already do. I know that You will carry me through this. I will be OK.
You are showing me new things, and new people are coming into my life. I am broken. I need You. I need Your approval and not the legal system’s; I need YOUR love and not the affirmation (or lack thereof) of some dumb guy.
Finished AA meetings. Not for me. I am proud of myself for doing it – seven meetings in two weeks. Hopefully that will help my sentence. Oh, Lord.
I am scared. I am also free.
Lord, I give my trip to Minnesota to You. Also France. I am scared. Of what? Making further mistakes? Being disappointed? I don’t quite know. But I do know that I am content: right here, right now.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Court is Monday morning. I will be sentenced. And then I will face my fears, everything. I just want to move forward with my life. Oh, Father, I do not want to take anything for granted!
Thank You for yesterday’s birthday celebration with X’s brother and his family. Thank You for that healing experience. Thank You for their acceptance of me. I pray for them and their relationship with X’s parents. They have been hurt by the fact that X’s parents have basically refused to meet their new baby.
Who does that?
Sunday, May 1st
Beautiful day at the beach with Joy today. I felt Your love and peace all throughout! Lord, I pray for a reduced sentence. I pray hard. I also give the outcome of my case to You. You know. You are in control. You will go before me.
Deuteronomy 3:16 – “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified…for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Monday, May 2, 2011
In court. Shaking. Possibly will be able to get the Wet Reckless. LORD, I trust You. I PRAY for mercy. They have to run my married name and check my records. If no arrests – OBVIOUSLY – I might be able to get the reduced sentence. Oh, FATHER GOD! I pray, pray, pray for Your guidance. May the Prosecutor be merciful.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I was able to get the reduced sentence in my case. I plead “no contest” to Reckless Driving. It still stinks, but it is not a DUI.
Father, I am so grateful for the mercy and grace You continue to show me. I will still have to take a three-hour class every Monday night for three months starting June 6th. But it will be done.
Expensive, horrific and scary lesson.
Now I’m going to France to kiss somebody.