Re-entering “regular life” was difficult after such an adventure, but I was grateful to return to a job.
I had been hired to play the role of “Cindy Lou” in The Marvelous Wonderettes, the show that I had performed off-Broadway. This time, it would not be anywhere near New York. The very large, professional theatre was located in La Mirada: a small, suburban town at the edge of the Los Angeles-Orange County line.
La Mirada is also where I had attended college. I had wanted, and been trying, to work at the La Mirada Theatre for the Performing Arts ever since my youthful, naïve, carefree and X-filled days at Biola University.
In addition, since I had only ever covered The Marvelous Wonderettes in Los Angeles and New York (performed three of the four parts, 61 times in my six-month contract, but who’s counting?!), it felt amazing to finally make one of the roles my own. I also was able to put to bed my association of the show with the ending of my marriage.
The show must go on.
Rehearsals began almost immediately after I returned from Paris. I had a problem, however: I wasn’t able to drive. Part of the reason I took off to Minnesota and France was that my license was suspended for the month of May, due to my “Wet Reckless”. I had to wait almost two weeks before I could apply for a restricted license, and I didn’t want anyone to know about my stupid mistake. I was embarrassed and ashamed.
God provided. He always does. Andrea and Lisa, a mutual friend of ours, drove me to and from rehearsals. I was able to carpool with the amazing girls in the cast. My stage manager even hauled me around, and no one seemed to mind. In fact, everyone was willing to help, without even knowing the real (shameful) reason why.
Losing my license for a month might have been one of the greatest things to happen to me, for it forced me to slow down, ask for help, and not be so damn self-sufficient. Also, I got an amazing vacation out of the whole ordeal.
God is so good.
After “Wonderettes” opened and we settled into performing eight shows a week, I decided to tackle that old “Bigamy and Contempt” problem I had shelved for the past couple of months.
I wrote a letter to X, explaining that I was attempting to resolve our issues one last time. I firmly requested his compliance with our Marital Settlement Agreement, and gave him two weeks to send the money (which I knew he had). I sent the letter to him at Sister Wife’s house via certified mail. I also emailed a copy to him. I was fully prepared to take him to court. After all, I would win, hands down. There was no way he’d be able to charm his way out of jail. I mean, I couldn’t even do it, for my wimpy little misdemeanor.
Bigamy is a felony.
Yet, I still struggled with just letting the whole thing go. None of it was fair, but I wanted it all behind me. Furthermore, I didn’t actually care that X was married, legal or not. He made choices, and he had to live with them. They didn’t affect me anymore.
Our ties to one another had been brutally severed, but we were destined for separate lives.
June 7, 2011
I release to You my anxiety over the remaining money X owes me. I accidentally came across old texts last night from/to him and they were so unbelievably painful. He was so unresponsive in a time of darkness, and I was asking so many questions. How on earth were we going to heal? And then I’d apologize for asking, but he just didn’t step up. WHO KNOWS what all was actually happening then. It was painful to read and I am so glad I got out. Thank You, Lord.
So, I pray about my worries over the final step of this divorce. I need Your help in letting go, and I need your help in forgiving X and Sister Wife. I am still angry, Lord, and I think that is OK. Yet, I don’t want to carry over this anger into a new relationship.
I just want it to be done.
June 11, 2011
I need help to get through today. Two shows. I am tired, especially vocally. I have thoughts of fear – of which I need to let go. God, I pray about dealing with X and the final part of my divorce. I do not want to spend my money on lawyers and court battles. I know he will not do anything, though – of course. I have to keep hounding and nagging to get anything out of him. NOT SURPRISED.
Lord, I just pray he sends the check. I do not want my life to get bogged down by him, or thoughts of him. I am still very angry, God. Maybe it’s because I’m back in La Mirada? I don’t know. I need help. I need help forgiving him; I need to move forward, continually.
And my mind wanders to dating. I don’t know what will ever become of it. I am not without potential suitors, but I am not interested in ANY!
I want to fall in love, I truly do. Part of me thinks that is so silly – or maybe I don’t deserve it because I already got my shot at love, marriage and a family. AND I recognize that as a LIE from the enemy and I REJECT it!
Holy Spirit, control my mind!
I lift up my dreams, my desires and my fears to You. I will wait for You, Lord. I wait. I need help with patience!
I long for NYC. What am I doing in California?! It’s ridiculous. I just don’t know how I’d do it (move to New York), but maybe I just have to. I love my little place here, but my dreams are in another city.
I feel like a loser, but I know that You have plans for me. My body aches and my soul cries for You. God, I give You my desires and pray that You will lead me to where You want me, instead of me forcing Your will – rather, me forcing MY will as Yours. I feel anxious for no good reason.
Oh, God, if only I could continue my theatre career in New York!
Broadway, Broadway, Broadway…
I have to go! God, will you lead?
Little did I know then, God would graciously lead me back to New York.