Category Archives: Some Kind of Crazy

Divorcing the In-Laws

I left the Conrads parking lot that evening, feeling a sense of peace and closure.

My husband filed a response to my petition for divorce the next day.  He also signed and notarized the Quitclaim Deed so that I would become the sole owner of our house.  I asked him if he could bring the document over.  I was playing “Harmless Housesitter” for my neighbors, Lisa and Laura.  They had taken the steps to adopt our dog, Wimbley, and I wondered if my husband wanted to come over and see him, and, frankly, say goodbye.

He responded, and told me that he was leaving that night.  It would be too hard for him to see our dog and our house.  He said he’d be back in LA soon, but he didn’t know when.  He also said that he’d like to see me when he got back.  He anticipated emailing me, and if I ever wanted to correspond with him, all I had to do was just tell him.

Feeling a surge of compassion, I wrote him back.

I’m broken up, too.  Hurting a lot.  It’s been a long, hard, hard road and I still wish that you would choose me.  But I understand that you can’t/won’t, and it’s ok.  Too much time has passed, and too much damage has been done.  God has something good in store for both of us.  I have been praying for, and will continue to, pray for you.

Take care of yourself.  Don’t waste your heart on some silly “hot” girl.  Wait for the real thing, because you are an incredible person.  God wants to restore you; God wants to redeem this messy situation, and He will bless you.  He will.  Be careful and make good choices.  And you will see how God takes care of you and heals you.  He will heal you.

I’m not trying to preach at you, I just felt that those words should be shared.  And, at the risk of going overboard, I’m attaching that song that has spoken to me so much over these past few weeks.

I hope your parents and your family know how much I love them.  I understand we are all hurting right now, and I also understand that blood is thicker than water, but I just wanted to put it out there.  I love you all.

Safe travels – may God be with you.

He thanked me and told me he loved me.  It made me sad.  Yet, I breathed a sigh of relief.  The paperwork had been completed, and I could now move forward in my life.  My husband, although lost, had actually made a responsible and wise decision.  I had hoped it would be the first of many.

A few hours later, that sense of peace and closure I felt was immediately ripped from me.  To my surprise, I received an email from my father-in-law.

THIS PORTION OF THE BLOG POST IS BEING EDITED FOR CONTENT.

I read the email and freaked out.  I immediately got on the phone and called my father-in-law.  I was upset, angry, frustrated and hurt.  These people had meddled in my marriage and my life one too many times. I wasn’t going to take it anymore.  The conversation was fruitless – I could not reason with either of them.  I told my father-in-law that he was “just a flea”.  He could not hurt me, no matter how hard he tried.  I actually understood that his cruel words were out of his own pain, confusion and disappointment in himself and his son.

Before I hung up, I told my in-laws that I loved them both, and I loved their son.  There wasn’t anything they could do, or say, to take that from me.

My eyes – although blinded by tears of hurt and confusion – were being opened.  I might be losing everything in my divorce, but I was gaining more.

I was gaining freedom.

You Didn’t Ever Fight For Me

Very shortly thereafter, I got drunk.

That weekend, I was scheduled to housesit for Jeff and Jenny, and take care of their sweet dog, Mia.  I was exhausted from the day’s events, and asked Andrea to come over and stay with me.

I didn’t want to be alone.

She brought flowers, two bottles of champagne, and beer, just in case.  We drank the champagne pretty quickly and ended up outside, running around, giggling and playing tag within the confines of the white picket fence.  I did handstands and cartwheels.  Eventually we collapsed into a heap of laughter on the front lawn, laid on our backs and watched shooting stars fall from the sky.  We dubbed ourselves, “The Harmless Housesitters”.   It felt good to “play” and temporarily escape the surge of pain that was sure to hit after I emotionally processed what had just happened.

We woke up the next morning and giggled our way to Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘n Waffles for breakfast.   I publicly announced my drunkenness and lack of a bra on Facebook and, frankly, didn’t give a shit.  I had been hiding for a long time.  It felt good to finally look — and be — imperfect.

I spent the rest of the day on Jeff and Jenny’s sunny porch, writing.

I am not strong.  I am weak and needy. Sad, lonely, hurt.  Incredibly hurt that my husband made the choices he did.  We were happy, I thought.  I was happy with him.  I didn’t want to be divorced.  And even though it’s a nice fantasy to think that there is someone out there who will love me and be affectionate; warm and caring – do I really believe it?  Will the love go away?  Who really will love me?

God, I am having a hard time now – the effects of the nervousness have worn off, as has the beer.  And at the end of the day I am alone.  My husband will leave for Australia in one week and I probably will never see him again.

God, I know You are sovereign over all creation and situations.  You have my life in Your grip. You have his.  And You have our marriage.

I genuinely do not want to be married to him anymore.  His journey is far too long and vast – I believe You can perform miracles but I don’t know what Your plan is.

And still – he was the one.  My husband.  My favorite person in the world.  Who betrayed himself, first.  And hurt me deeper than I have ever thought imaginable.  My husband, so plagued by his sin, could no longer truly love me.  And it hurt so badly and it still hurts so much…there really wasn’t closure but how CAN there be?  He’s tragically incapable of doing anything, taking any responsibility.

Yet he will forever remain a part of my soul.  My husband, whom I loved so much.  And still love.  And lost. 

I am scarred, broken.  But I know I am healing.

A couple of days later I had dinner with Tim, Joseph, Katie, Curt and Kathy.  Tim and my husband had met for coffee earlier in the day.  Tim sensed my husband was experiencing a major internal struggle.  He expressed his concern and wonderment at the whole thing  — and told me he was continuing to pray for our reconciliation.

I was confused.  I had the support of all of our friends, but I didn’t want any of them to pray for the reconciliation of my marriage.  I was done.  I had already experienced the final death of the relationship and done all of the work to end it, “amicably”.  My husband did nothing, showed up and told me he was done, and got to walk away, scott-free.

I had lost – and was continuing to lose – everything.  I just wanted to focus on getting the divorce done.  I had just a few days left while my husband was in town, so I had to take advantage of it.  I made an appointment with both the Mediator and our marriage counselor.

I emailed my husband:
If you have any time I think it would be good to talk through the mediation paperwork so we can save some money (time) on Thursday.

Thanks,

L

He offered to meet up with me that night, and somewhere in Pasadena around 8:00 would work.

I mostly need to get information from you.  I can just photocopy the forms that she gave me and you can fill them out.  Any way we can calmly fill out info and allow the mediator to teach us the process will be good. Could we could make it 7:00?  You name the place, I can’t think of one.

He suggested the Yard House.  It immediately stung my heart.

I’d kind of prefer not to go there, since we were there for our wedding anniversary.
I need you to bring all of your bank info (even Australia bank), Sallie Mae, credit cards, etc.  Don’t worry, it’s just information.

He then suggested Lucky Baldwin’s, because he wanted a beer.

I made an appointment with (our marriage counselor) at 5:00 for Wednesday, Maybe we should just meet then?  Unless you want to meet tonight, too.

He didn’t feel like talking about anything, but if I wanted to meet up with him for any other reason, then he was up for it.

I don’t know what else there is to talk about, I guess. Both people are done with a relationship.  I just want it to end well.

He disagreed with such a thing as “ending it well”.  He was tired of fighting, arguing, feeling like he was hurting, and being hurt.

Me too.
I guess if you could hug me one more time I’d really like that, but I don’t trust you at all and I don’t think you really, truly care.
I’m tired of fighting with you.  We are both losing.  Nobody wins.  I never wanted this.
You didn’t ever fight for me.

He didn’t feel like getting into it, and said that he was going for a walk.

Ahh, yes, the walk.  I remember that well. OK.
See you Wednesday.

He balked at my response.

I’m sorry.  I just have sad memories of the last walk you took.
No more digs.
We can end this well.  I want to, because I love you.  And you are free.  I am setting you free.

He never wanted to be free, and said that he never would be.  He just wanted understanding.

I know.  I hear you.
And I just wanted to be loved and not left.