He wasn’t home when I finally returned. I carefully arranged, and re-arranged the card and candy bar on the kitchen table, then sat in the dark. I stared out the window at the lone street lamp, struggling to shine its brilliance through the thick, bare tree branches. My house was cold and quiet. Empty. The walls ached, and the deafening silence somehow echoed my pain.
I wrote. It was the only thing I could do.
Ironically, the following email was never sent. I figured my husband was tired of hearing my heart.
You are at a movie right now. I am anticipating you coming home and explaining to me how you want a separation and how I misbehaved and how my attitude is rotten and the straw man and umbrella and all that conversation…and the thought of it all makes me tired…
And then I think of how I love you. Oh, my husband, how I love you. How I’ve always loved you. How I truly would not be happy if you weren’t in my life, even after all the pain and hurt you have caused me. I have tried my best to hurt you back, I have, and obviously that isn’t working. I am flailing and reacting and hurting so, so much, and disappointed and angry…
And then I think of how I love you. I want to be with you, and I want us to stop fighting and start rebuilding in a positive way. I know I am not always positive. I want to try. And try harder.
And I think of how God loves me, and how He loves you, and how He looks upon us, and our marriage, and I just want it to be pleasing to Him. I don’t want to act like an idiot anymore. I don’t want you to act like one, either.
I know we can do this with God’s help. There’s always going to be a reason to separate, get mad, split up, leave, want a divorce, want to make the other person feel the pain and hurt that we are feeling. Sometimes I wish that you knew how badly I am hurt; how broken I am because of you and your sin, but the nicer part of me wants to protect you from that pain.
On the other hand…
I don’t know. If you want to separate, do it like a man. Don’t run off to another country just yet. Help me figure out what to do with the house so we can at least be financially responsible for our own individual future. I don’t want to be screwed over anymore than I already have been, and I don’t have any intention to screw you over. Please, if we are to separate, PLEASE be mature and responsible and think of your future — think of your future wife, your future kids – don’t just run off and throw your credit in the toilet anymore than it already is. I guess all I ask in a separation is that you be responsible enough to see through what is best for this house situation so that we protect our investment and ourselves in the best way possible. It’s the right thing to do.