Tuesday, September 21, 2010
It happened. The papers were signed. I met him in Starbucks at noon. Walked in and bought myself coffee. He looked as he always looks — this new person — dirty, not taking care of himself. He asked me how I have been and I replied, “We are here to talk about the divorce.”
We agreed on everything – I am taking half his retirement and he will keep his credit cards. He said he would pay me half of the lawyer fees. I don’t believe him, I should have had it in writing.
I said I worried about him. He asked why.
After a long pause, I responded, “Because I love you.”
He never told me he loved me.
I told him I didn’t think he was in a good place or on the right path. I also told him about my vivid dreams of him – all his drugs and women. He didn’t say anything.
I said I was excited to meet someone who will truly love me – also someone with whom I can have a family and care for. I need to move on. I expressed excitement at having sex again. He smirked.
I told him he never made himself trustworthy after the affair. He told me I should have trusted him – that we had ten years of trust. I explained to him that it was broken. He defended himself and said the marriage became “irreconcilable” after I “only wanted to go to marriage counseling”, and he wanted me along for the next chapter.
He is delusional. He wanted “me and…” ???
I said he needed to have only wanted me. The “and” would come.
We then went to the house.
I made him take boxes of photos, our dishes and china, and my wedding dress. He said the dress wouldn’t fit in his car (some Jeep, I don’t know where he got it).
“Throw it in the trash, then.”
He carried it to the Jeep.
Going through boxes – I broke down in the middle of the garage. Lisa (neighbor) came outside and comforted me. Then, after a while, [husband] said, “ I have to go.”
He just stood there.
And then he spoke.
“This isn’t what was supposed to have happened,” he said, softly. “Why couldn’t we fix it?”
I fell to my knees in the street, sobbing. Snot and tears bubbled together into a pool of grass and dirt on the hard, grainy asphalt. Tiny pebbles dug into my kneecaps, causing them to bleed and bruise. I couldn’t bear to look up at the street or behind me at the house, which was now no longer a part of my — our — life.
Dramatic? Yes. But I couldn’t help it.
He just touched my back.
He said his heart was broken just as much as mine. He wished I would forgive him for the Ukrainian girl, but that he wasn’t what I wanted.
I agreed. “Not after her.”
He never followed through with ACTIONS. I expressed that to him. As I pulled myself together and got up to leave, he tried to hug me. I stopped him.
“No, do not touch me. It is too painful.”
I told him I hoped that he’d be happy and find what he is searching for. But he lost the one person who really, truly knew him – the one person who would really love him the best. I also told him I was really great.
He said he knew.
He openly admitted that, yes, he would always continue to leave me.
My heart breaks into a thousand fragments again.
Lisa later told me that one of our neighbors saw him parked outside of our house, long after I had driven away. His head was slumped over the steering wheel and he was sobbing, loudly.
I must move forward.
Help, God. I feel like I can barely move. I still love him and that’s not going to go away easily.
Oh, God, it’s so painful. SO, so painful.
I can’t even begin to digest the pain. Grief. Shock, Horror. All over again.
I feel totally dead – like my body sustained one too many blows and I succumbed to my injuries. I want so badly to press forward, yet my heart still clings to my husband. Even after all he has put me through, I still love him and I wish he would choose me.
He can’t. He won’t. And all that is left of us is in boxes.
I can’t see, God. I can’t see anything. My heart is broken. Smashed into a billion pieces and then set on fire, pointed and laughed at. It is then dragged through sewage and hung up on display for all the women and druggies in my husband’s life to see. His “friends” – those three cast of characters. They laugh at me and mock my pain and blame me for not letting my husband do whatever he wants/wanted– drugs, women, scandal, surf, party.
I know, eventually, that life will get tiring, but the question is, when? I feel rejected all over again. A million times over.
The life we had was a mere joke; a laughingstock for all the mistresses and “investment bankers” in the world. Such pain.
I still love my husband and want a life with him. But he is too lost. You have made it clear that he is not for me anymore…yet my heart aches and aches for the husband I once knew; the love we had. I know I am forgiven, as is he, and I have to let go. Help me to let go of him. It is so difficult.
Lord, end my pain. Take my life. I want no more. I refuse to buy the lies that have convinced and corrupted my husband and his family. I reject those lies.
I trust that You are leading me out of this marriage because it is best for me.
I cling to You. You who promised are faithful. You have a plan for my life. You are moving in my life.
I cannot see, but I trust with whatever human ability is left.
Help me, O, God. I hurt.