Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I’m so drained.

I can’t keep doing this – [my husband] makes me insanely angry; crazy.  I am tired of doing everything for him.  I want to claw his face off.  I want to punch him until he feels the hurt and anger and rejection that I do.  I want him to feel; I want him to be responsible.  But it’s entirely impossible.

There’s nothing I want more in the world than to be done with this divorce.  Oh, please, God, have mercy.  I want to move on with my life and not be stuck in limbo.

I just can’t do this any more.  God, I leave it in Your hands.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

“Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You.” ~Psalm 9:10

“Show me Your ways, O LORD, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long.”  ~Psalm 25:4-5

JESUS, I TRUST YOU.  You will never forsake me; You are always taking care of me.  I know You have a plan for me and my life.  I cannot see it and I am scared, but I must let go; let You take control. 

The house is going on the market and it hurts me so badly.  “As is”.  A divorce sale.  And for what?  For what?  What a waste.

I have to stop crying.

God, I don’t know where You want me.  I sit here, amongst the unknown and my heart screams out.  I TRUST YOU!  I TRUST YOU because I know You will not let me down; I KNOW You have plans for me.

I am still grieving, still wondering what to do; where to go.  It’s starting, Lord.  And I am trusting that You want me to sell the house.

I have to let go.

I’m giving my future to You.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


My tenant offered on the house.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  Counter?  Just walk away?

Was up until 3:00 a.m., crying and crying.  My eyes are swollen.  My body screaming.  [Husband] responded at 2:00 a.m. to my email, where I asked him to meet with me to discuss the remainder of the divorce and sign the papers.  He said he had “meetings” but would work around my schedule. 

I told him to cancel his (stupid ass, fucking horse shit) meetings and do what is right.

I can barely move.  I am so exhausted…It’s You and me, God.  Who better to have?  Close in 30 days.  No property tax.  No more mortgage payments.  Nothing.


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I have one more day to decide if I accept my tenant’s offer on my house.  I have some peace, but I am not sure if I am just being hasty in my decision-making?

I HAVE NOTHING.  Losing everything.  All.  Husband, house, family.  I’m even down to my last unemployment check.

This is from You.  I am trusting it.  Your timing.  Would I like more money?  Of course.  But I am trusting, trusting.  Oh, Father. You give and take away, and You are so good to me.  You are loving me through this.  How can I thank You enough?  How?!  Everything is Yours.  And I do believe You orchestrated this.

I pray for peace.  I don’t understand, and I don’t know what is next, but I believe You are leading me.  Out of the mire, and into the new life You have planned.

Friday, September 17. 2010

Proverbs 16:9 – “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

Psalm 37:5-7 – “Commit your way to the LORD, trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.” 

Today I will sign the offer on my home.

Tonight I will open a show.

Lord, You are so good to me.  I have peace.  And I know You give peace in all circumstances.  You have carried me through this time, and the end of this chapter is near.  I cannot plan anything.  I have seen Your mighty hand in everything so far; how can I not trust You?

I am heartbroken to give up my home but I know it is Your will.  A NEW start.

I pray for [my husband].  Please help end this pain.  I do not know what will become of him; it’s too painful to even know where he is.  I pray for healing.  Healing is in Your hands.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

My tenant bought the house!  Sold!  Escrow opens Monday.  Huge.  This is huge.  And, I have to admit, a relief.  You are so good.  You knew all along.  The timing is Yours, and I feel peace.  Your hand guiding me.  I am so curious as to where You will lead me.

Oh, God, I love You.  I am losing everything but gaining YOU.  Freedom.  There is such unbelievable freedom in You.

I pray that [my husband] would show up on Monday to sign the divorce papers, and that we would be able to communicate.  I still grieve him and his choices…but it needs to be over.


One thought on “SOLD!

  1. Sophi Gilliland says:

    such a roller coaster of emotion………

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