Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I’m so drained.
I can’t keep doing this – [my husband] makes me insanely angry; crazy. I am tired of doing everything for him. I want to claw his face off. I want to punch him until he feels the hurt and anger and rejection that I do. I want him to feel; I want him to be responsible. But it’s entirely impossible.
There’s nothing I want more in the world than to be done with this divorce. Oh, please, God, have mercy. I want to move on with my life and not be stuck in limbo.
I just can’t do this any more. God, I leave it in Your hands.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
“Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You.” ~Psalm 9:10
“Show me Your ways, O LORD, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long.” ~Psalm 25:4-5
JESUS, I TRUST YOU. You will never forsake me; You are always taking care of me. I know You have a plan for me and my life. I cannot see it and I am scared, but I must let go; let You take control.
The house is going on the market and it hurts me so badly. “As is”. A divorce sale. And for what? For what? What a waste.
I have to stop crying.
God, I don’t know where You want me. I sit here, amongst the unknown and my heart screams out. I TRUST YOU! I TRUST YOU because I know You will not let me down; I KNOW You have plans for me.
I am still grieving, still wondering what to do; where to go. It’s starting, Lord. And I am trusting that You want me to sell the house.
I have to let go.
I’m giving my future to You.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
My tenant offered on the house. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Counter? Just walk away?
Was up until 3:00 a.m., crying and crying. My eyes are swollen. My body screaming. [Husband] responded at 2:00 a.m. to my email, where I asked him to meet with me to discuss the remainder of the divorce and sign the papers. He said he had “meetings” but would work around my schedule.
I told him to cancel his (stupid ass, fucking horse shit) meetings and do what is right.
I can barely move. I am so exhausted…It’s You and me, God. Who better to have? Close in 30 days. No property tax. No more mortgage payments. Nothing.
GOD, I NEED HELP.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I have one more day to decide if I accept my tenant’s offer on my house. I have some peace, but I am not sure if I am just being hasty in my decision-making?
I HAVE NOTHING. Losing everything. All. Husband, house, family. I’m even down to my last unemployment check.
This is from You. I am trusting it. Your timing. Would I like more money? Of course. But I am trusting, trusting. Oh, Father. You give and take away, and You are so good to me. You are loving me through this. How can I thank You enough? How?! Everything is Yours. And I do believe You orchestrated this.
I pray for peace. I don’t understand, and I don’t know what is next, but I believe You are leading me. Out of the mire, and into the new life You have planned.
Friday, September 17. 2010
Proverbs 16:9 – “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”
Psalm 37:5-7 – “Commit your way to the LORD, trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.”
Today I will sign the offer on my home.
Tonight I will open a show.
Lord, You are so good to me. I have peace. And I know You give peace in all circumstances. You have carried me through this time, and the end of this chapter is near. I cannot plan anything. I have seen Your mighty hand in everything so far; how can I not trust You?
I am heartbroken to give up my home but I know it is Your will. A NEW start.
I pray for [my husband]. Please help end this pain. I do not know what will become of him; it’s too painful to even know where he is. I pray for healing. Healing is in Your hands.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
My tenant bought the house! Sold! Escrow opens Monday. Huge. This is huge. And, I have to admit, a relief. You are so good. You knew all along. The timing is Yours, and I feel peace. Your hand guiding me. I am so curious as to where You will lead me.
Oh, God, I love You. I am losing everything but gaining YOU. Freedom. There is such unbelievable freedom in You.
I pray that [my husband] would show up on Monday to sign the divorce papers, and that we would be able to communicate. I still grieve him and his choices…but it needs to be over.