Recently, I made a dumb mistake. What made it even dumber was the fact I blatantly ignored the still, small voice (rather, it was booming, loud and clear) that said,
“Not a good idea, Leslie. Don’t do it.”
Yet, I did it anyway.
The result? I spent an entire day feeling guilty, sad, angry with myself, afraid, remorseful, disappointed and ashamed. I beat myself up for hours upon end. I even felt sick, and muttered,
“You’ve really fucked it up this time, Leslie. Way to go. Way to ruin everything.”
What is this, 2011, and I’m back in jail, with Pretty Gum Chewer and Pock Face at my side? It certainly felt like it. Haven’t I learned anything in this new life of mine?
I’m definitely being dramatic here, but the truth is, I am terrified of making mistakes. I always have been. Yet, I keep making them.
Humanity, 101.
As I called upon my trusted friends – all whom were unfazed by my confession — they talked and prayed me off the ledge.
“Leslie, you need to stop beating yourself up. God doesn’t see you as you see yourself. Look at this as an opportunity to allow Him to reveal just how much He loves you,” one friend gently stated.
Is it really that easy?
The answer is yes. Yes, it is. It’s called grace. It’s the very definition of the gospel.
I guess I still don’t get it.
I really want to.
*****
Despite my own failings, I’m extremely tired of accepting shitty circumstances and making the best out of them.
I’m lonely. I’m needy. Sometimes I’m sick and afraid. I’m desperate for attention, recognition, validation and LOVE.
What I really want – and am too embarrassed to admit — ?
I want to be spooned every night, by someone who isn’t going to leave.
Is that too much to ask?
I feel silly writing this. But, hey, let me vomit my feelings today, because I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m running a fever and can barely move from the couch. I can say whatever I want. No regrets. Right? (Snicker.)
I’m tired of being vulnerable. I’m sick of being the divorced person who spills her guts, has moved forward beautifully, but is still lonely and disappointed by the mediocre, slim pickings of available men. I’m done being single, but I’m not interested in dating because it is AWFUL, HEINOUS, HORRIBLE, DRAINING and feels like a TOTAL WASTE OF TIME. I’m TIRED of hoping there’s a man out there who will get it; who will love, value, respect and appreciate me for WHO I AM. I’m EXHAUSTED with lazy, little boys who are looking for a mommy. (I was married to that. Not doing it again!) I’m impatient, and soothing cliches from well-meaning folk turn my tongue bitingly caustic.
Sometimes I even feel like life is passing me by. Even though I am enjoying every moment in beloved New York, I still long for things beyond my control.
But wait, Jesus is supposed to be my boyfriend, right?
In so many ways, I KNOW He is. No human will ever complete me. I KNOW THIS. I KNOW IT, KNOW IT, KNOOOOWWWWWWW IT.
Jesus has pulled me out of the shit storm of life, set me free and re-booted my heart. He has graciously and lovingly helped me grow into a beautiful woman. I see it! I have fleeting moments of feeling complete, and I experience lovely, personal incidences when He woos me and shows me how much He loves me, whether through creation, a song, the sudden appearance of a white butterfly, a bicycle ride through Central Park, the love of a friend, and providing for me, every step of the way.
Still, my restlessness triggers a thought. Perhaps I haven’t trusted Him enough to be everything. I want my boyfriend Jesus to spoon me at night. I want to feel it.
Good grief, I sound crazy.
In Chapter seven of his book, The Meaning of Marriage, my pastor and theological crush, Dr. Timothy Keller, writes,
“If singles will learn to rest and rejoice in their marriage to Christ, that means they will be able to handle single life without a devastating sense of being unfulfilled and unformed. Why? Because the idolatry of marriage that is distorting their single lives will eventually distort their married lives if they find a partner. So there’s no reason to wait. Demote marriage and family in your heart, put God first, and begin to enjoy the goodness of single life.”
YES, brother man. PREACH. I HEAR you and UNDERSTAND.
Right now, however — at this exact moment in time — singlehood does not feel anything like goodness.
*****
Perhaps I’m standing on the precipice of enlightenment. Perhaps I’m just being a total brat. I think either option is okay, for I will continue to move forward, and hope for things that may not come to fruition. There’s a huge part of me that wants to conquer my neediness for human love and affection, but unless I acknowledge the truth – I desire it – I really won’t be able to move off this couch with any sort of integrity. (Got to schlep my pathetic self to the drugstore for some medicine. This illness is taking over my body, fast!)
My ultimate challenge is to trust God to be everything in my life. I want the knowledge in my head – He loves me fiercely and will never leave me – to travel to my heart. I want to surrender everything to Him.
Sigh. This might be the hardest thing I have ever done.
The Christian Girl's Guide to Divorce 
[…] when I just want someone to hear me out, when I write pieces like this, or could write pieces like that, I wonder…what happened? When did all the staid-and-true life pieces on which I was supposed […]
You have captured in words so beatifully and clear what i have been feeling for so long. I just resently found out my ex is getting married again. That was a punch in the face.and i am so glad i am not alone and it is okay to be honest with God.
I don’t think Jesus as your boyfriend works – yes, love God with your whole heart. But sometimes, even if you’re doing everything right, life is lonely and hard. But God is still there, loving you. Tim Keller is right, kind of. But it’s tempting to think that if we get all the God stuff right, we won’t have other difficult feelings, like grief, or loneliness. I don’t claim to have ever gotten all my ducks completely in a row, and maybe that’s the myth — but in any case, sometimes, I think you have to know that things are hard, but some day they will be better.
Grace is there. Take it, give it.
I love your perspective, Pam. Amen.
Leslie,
I stumbled upon your blog after reading all the divorce books and still feeling like no one understood. I take that back God led me to your blog! I was engrossed in it for two days and all of a sudden there was no little blue “next” button….nooooo! LOL! I am ready for your book! You crack me up, lead me to “aha” moments, make me cry, take me back to a moment in my own situation, and give me hope all within one post. I totally identify with you! Thank you for sharing your story HONESTLY and being so transparent. You ROCK! Lots of love and prayers 🙂
Thank you, thank you for putting yourself out there. I can so relate and it feels so good to know there are others whp share my feelings. I am hanging in there in a marriage, but I am so lonely. I want Jesus to be my boyfriend. Alone or married, I just don’t know that I’ll be truly satisfied with any other relationship. But, I can’t *feel* Him. Like I want him to show up and spoon me with big warm arms and just hold me.
🙂
Well, Jessica, you just made my entire day/week/month/year, etc. Can I use your lovely comment as a forward to my book? 🙂
I want a signed copy! Really, thank you for making a difficult time bearable! May God bless you and use your talents to glorify him.
Jessica
[…] when I just want someone to hear me out, when I write pieces like this, or could write pieces like that, I wonder…what happened? When did all the staid-and-true life pieces on which I was supposed […]
Just read your whole blog in one evening. You are a gifted writer and your exuberance despite your trials encourages me. Thank you for your honesty and courage in telling your story, warts and all. I am 24 and have never been married, but often idolise the idea, thinking I need it to complete me. Thank you for reminding me that marriage can never be a guarantee of happiness, and that Christ is the only One who can make us whole. Praying for you.
Marriage is a good thing, absolutely. And you are a wise 24-year old to understand it will never be a guarantee of happiness OR completion! Thank you for your prayers! God is good!
This is so exactly me and Im am in desparate situation. Im with you. Not glad to hear it, but glad to hear that, we are speaking the same language. Now I do not need to spell mine out, because you have totally got it out for me.
I have the same thinking about ‘dating—wasting time’ of stuff…. but started to think , IAM REALLY so lonely too……
Dating isn’t horrible when you’re dating the right type of person. I think the pain of dating is sifting through all the wrong types, until you find a decent fit. You know?
I think it’s better to be lonely than alone in a relationship — and we are never TRULY alone!
Take your time. Know your worth!
Thank you so much for your honesty and transparancy. I love it! It’s refreshing to read real-ness versus fake religiosity that only keeps us enslaved ! You rock! Praying for you!
What a compliment, Crystal! Thank you! I’m glad, too, there is no fake religiosity. Phew. Been there, done that.
Hey I just started following your blog. I too am in the awful unwanted divorce situation. I just started a blog in hopes writing will help get me through. I have not read much of your blog yet but I will. Thanks for your posts it helps:-)
Glad it’s helping. Hang in there!
Loved it! So nice to know I am not alone. I appreciate your bittersweet blog. I am so blessed to know Jesus is where my help comes from but the divorce has highlighted my tendency towards dependence/worship of physical touch and comfort. It is a weakness I did not even have prior to marriage. Please Lord strengthen me and remind me that all I need a is You.
No, you are not alone! I do believe God created us for relationship – so it’s okay to have these longings. I think there’s a difference between burying our pain in an embrace, and actually having a “healthy spoon”. Ha. Right?