Thirty-Six

A couple of weeks ago, I visited my gynecologist.

Per usual, she cheerfully entered the room.

“HI, LESLIE! So! Any relationships this year?” she asked, as she briefly reviewed my chart.

“Oh! Oh, no. No, no, no…nope. No relationships,” I responded, shifting my sit bones on the noisy paper lining the table.

I racked my brain for a moment and felt slightly panicked. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been asked out. March? April? Did an extensive, yet fairly innocent make out session with a tall, well-built, sexy Australian I met at a NYC film premiere count as a date?

No. No, it didn’t, although he did offer to fly me to Vegas for the weekend to “hang out and see some shows.” I actually considered it. Christianity/morality/self-respect aside, a weekend of hot, wild, noncommittal sex sounded pretty tempting.

Knowing my heart, however, I quickly decided against it.

Cheery Doc’s lips twisted in sympathy. “Well, I’m sorry. The good news is, no STD testing for you!”

I tightened my grin, and my knees.

“Yep! Trying to quit! Heh, heh, heh!” The sweat underneath my arms started to soak into my powder-blue, paper gown.

Doc nodded, knowingly. I changed the subject.

“So, my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks!” I announced.  “Guess it’s time to find a baby daddy,” I chuckled.

“How old are you going to be?” She asked.

“Thirty-six.”

“Well, Leslie, you might want to consider freezing your eggs at this point, just to be on the safe side. I’ve got a great recommendation for an infertility doctor.”

I felt the blood rushing to my head.  Freeze my eggs?  Infertility? What?! Wait a minute. I’m healthy. I can still have kids, right? I have to find a decent date, first!

And then, for a brief moment, familiar anger at X welled up.

I wasted good years of my life with that guy. I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose this. I DIDN’T CHOOSE THIS!!!

The moment passed, as I reminded myself how grateful I am to be completely free of X. I squeezed my eyes tight and thanked God for sparing the world one more fucked up product of divorce.

God knows. He is good.

There was no more mention of infertility, frozen eggs or STD testing after that. We chatted about the blog-turned-book, my new life in New York, and Doc did her thing.

“Everything looks beautiful!” She exuberantly informed me. “Happy Birthday!”

As irony would have it, I left my doctor’s office with a six-month supply of birth control, and the name and number of the infertility doctor.

*****

Tomorrow I turn 36 years old.

Thinking back on the past four years of my life – the ones with the greatest suffering, pain, weeping, grace, growth, adventure and ultimate joy – I am not at all where I thought I was going to be.

I’m exactly where I should be.

I never imagined I’d live out of two small suitcases or not have a place to call my own for an entire year. I have never made this little money in my life, in an attempt to pursue my dreams. Haughtily, I figured I would have met an amazing man and be taken off the market by now. I didn’t even plan on spending the summer in California, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have recorded an album at Capitol Records.

Joining Judy Garland, Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, Louis Prima, the Beach Boys, Bobby Darin, and more, in this recording studio.

Studio B, August 23, 2013. My voice is recorded amongst those such as Judy Garland, Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, Louis Prima, the Beach Boys, Bobby Darin…the list goes on.

It took pain and suffering, and a huge leap of faith to get there, but I am finally starting to see just a glimpse of what God wants to do with my life. Things are falling into place.

This year – 36 – will see my book, The Christian Girl’s Guide to Divorce, published and on bookshelves. An album with Louis Prima, Jr., where I am the featured vocalist (not just a backup singer!), will hit the charts.  I will tour with Prima and Setzer.

Best of all, a week from tomorrow, I will board a plane back to my beloved New York just in time for the most beautiful season of the year (and the only one I haven’t yet experienced): fall.

At 36, I don’t think of myself as divorced anymore. I’m single. I’ve got a way to go, too. I still need a place to live. I still need work. I still need to make more money to really be able to support myself.  I don’t have it all figured out.

It’s okay, though. God’s taking care of me.

And I’ve never been happier.

11 thoughts on “Thirty-Six

  1. thisgirlcandy says:

    I found your blog at the most perfect moment. I’m 32 and recently divorced, and feeling a little bit like I’m losing it. I’ve already read lots of your posts and am beginning to feel like, hey, I may actually survive this. Love the blog, and your honesty. 🙂

    • So glad you feel like you’re not alone! And, YES! You WILL survive!! 🙂

      • KENYA says:

        I found your blog a year ago when I reached the breaking point in my nine year marriage. I married for everything except love. I married to not have a second child out of wedlock, because he was willing to go to church, and most of all to please God. But I knew deep inside it was not Gods best and have believing God to turn things around. I forget we have free will sometimes. Well here I am on Christmas day waiting for my divorce papers to get here friday. I feel scared, relieved and uncertain at the same time. But I feel free. I feel free.

  2. Keke says:

    Great blog! Love it! One little aside: have you considered adopting as a single woman? Happens all the time, and one parent one child is not that difficult.

    • Keke,

      Interesting question. In the back of my mind, I figured if I reach a certain age and am still single, I might adopt.

      However, I am a product of a single parent and I hated it. I wanted two parents. Secondly, being a single parent would severely affect my career. As a musician, I have to be able to pick up at a moment’s notice and be on a plane, bus, whatever. Flexibility is a must.

      If I had a regular 9-5 job, adoption as a single woman might be on the table. Alas, I really could not subject a child to a life on the road with only one parent. It wouldn’t be good for either of us.

  3. Jessica says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I was super excited to see there was a new post when I opened my inbox! When is your book coming out? Soon I hope! Have a wonderful birthday! 🙂

  4. realdeal42 says:

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: You’re awesome. I’ll be thinking of you off an on all day tomorrow as we celebrate our birthday!

  5. Thank you, Marci! The album comes out in January! Can’t wait for you all to hear it! One song says it all! 🙂

  6. Marci C. says:

    You are inspirational, lady. Happy birthday! Can’t wait to hear you recording.

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